The Ninja Turtles Need My Valuable Skills

The leader.  The smart one.  The wiseacre.  The goofball.  When you add in a rat mentor, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles seem like a pretty self-sufficient group.  Of course, “seems” is the operative word, because these mutant teens are missing a key member to make their group a truly lean, green turtle machine: me. The Ninja Turtles should hire me on as their fifth member.  I will add valuable skills to the team, making them better equipped to fight Shredder, Krang, and the guy who replaced Shredder in the last season.

The first thing I bring to the table is that I’m not a freak.  It’s only a matter of time before the turtles go on a reconnaissance mission above the sewer, only to have somebody scream, “oh my god, those bulky guys in trench coats are obviously gigantic turtle mutants!”  Cover’s blown, guys.  Send me to sneak into a shady corporation or a secret mutagen production warehouse.  April O’ Neal is a famous news reporter in a bright yellow jumpsuit.  I’m not famous and I wear regular clothes.  Send me!

Another skill I bring to the table is brute force.  Only one member of your team is dedicated to fighting as his niche.  Apart from Leonardo, you have a nerd and two one-line throwers.  I agree that tossing out jokes is important in a heated battle situation, but if you cross me with a bull or a tiger (or both), I promise not to joke around and just punch the shit out of Bebop and Rocksteady.  I hate them so much.  Let me kick them in their ugly, mutant junk.

Perhaps you’re wondering if these skills contradict one another.  Will I be able to be inconspicuous enough to spy in the outside world after being mutated into a HumanBullTiger?  Obviously, the answer lies in Donatello’s brilliant scientific mind, as he will figure out a way I can zap back and forth between normal me and freak me.  I’ve got faith in you, bro.

So to my future co-workers, Leonardo, Donatello, Rafael and Michelangelo, I’ll simply say that I look forward to hearing from you.  I hope this will work out, and a professional “cowabunga” to you all.

Also, please get me a turquoise bandana in medium.  Thanks.