Who doesn’t love getting presents on their birthday? This year, I made out pretty well. I got a bunch of checks, an autographed picture of Tina Fey, and I bought myself Spaced on DVD. I celebrated with my friend Joe at a karaoke bar, and then again the next night with more friends to see Tropic Thunder. However, none of the gifts and well wishes from friends can make up for the fact that I’m one year closer to being dead forever. What the fuck, God? I love Tina Fey’s autograph, but I don’t want to die.
As a kid, we don’t fully comprehend this trade-off of life for stuff. We want the Ghostbusters playset and a Laser Tag party, and we unwittingly accept our own mortality in exchange for these frivolities. Let’s say God appeared in front of you now and said, “remember that okay mini-golf birthday party you had when you were 7? Well, I’ll give you an extra year of life (and we’re not talking about a shitty year in a nursing home when you’re old — we’re talking, like, a good year in your jet-setting 30’s), if you let me make that birthday party never happen.” You’d be like, “sure God, undo that shit.” But back when you were 7, if God offered you that exchange, you’d be like, “yeah right, Old Man Douchebag – I’m gonna live forever! Putt Putt rules!”
Conditioned as children, we grow up still having birthday parties and getting stuff, only instead of Putt Putt it’s getting shit-faced drunk, and instead of presents it’s people buying you drinks so you can get drunk faster. This is because we realize that we’ve allowed ourselves to become complacent in the fight against aging, but now that it’s too late, we cling to the bargain of our childhood, hoping to make ourselves a little happy on a day that foreshadows our doom. Go ahead and buy a motorcycle on your 50th birthday Mr. Midlife Crisis, and ride off into death-valley that much faster.
Some of you might be thinking that this article puts too much emphasis on the stuff, and not enough emphasis on the love of friends and family that often surfaces itself on a birthday. After all, we can’t stop time and we can’t turn people into Highlanders, but with the support of loved ones, we can make that transition into the afterlife feel less solitary and depressing. I say that’s total bullshit. We should be spending our time finding a cure for death! The moments scientists waste at Senior Frog’s doing shots is the time they should be spending turning me into an invincible superman.
Will I accept presents for my next birthday? Oh, hell yes. Especially if it’s an Xbox. However, we should realize that we’re sacrificing our own mortality for these gifts and well wishes, then write to our local scientists and tell them to cure death already! That way, birthday presents don’t have to be a bribe to help us accept death more easily – they can be a marker flaunting our triumph over God’s plan. Take that, God.
