Nov
21
2008

Shouting At Your Television Helps

If you watch sports on TV, and your favorite team is losing, there’s only one thing to do.  No, don’t sit in dignified silence — you’ve got to yell at the screen!  How else are the players gonna know to get their fucking acts together and PLAY, dammit?  Screaming at the television set is the easiest, most effective way to fix anything you don’t like to see on TV.  They say the internet is interactive, but television is scream-teractive.  Yes, that’s a thing.

Here’s another example.  Let’s say you’re watching a horror movie on television.  You see the actress going into the woods with her boyfriend for some teenage sex, while killer and sports equipment model Jason Voorhees looms in the background.  What do you do?  Why, just scream at the TV! Let the young couple know they’re in trouble.  Are you human?  You can’t just sit there and let them be slaughtered.  You have to do something.  Unfortunately, they might not hear your screams until it’s too late, but at least you tried.

How does the whole screaming thing work?  Well, you know how the iPhone has a combination speaker and receiver at the bottom?  The speaker on your television set is also a two-way.  So when you speak near your set, the television companies hear the chatter and operators decide whether to let your message through to the characters or championship poker players on screen.  Operators have a problem, because there’s an overwhelming amount of chatter, so if your message doesn’t get through, that’s the scientific reason.  You can write to your local cable operator and tell them to add more secret listeners!

You might think this is preposterous, because you’ve never heard of this before.  Well, the technology is there.  The motive for doing this is to hear how people react to different commercials, so they can create more effective ones.  They’re keeping it secret so they get more accurate results.  On a broader note, just because you think you’re so smart, doesn’t mean you know jack shit about the secret, tiny TV tappers that hear your screams.  That’s right - they’re all about as big as my thumb.  And that’s the GOSPEL truth.

So next time you want to yell at the characters from Heroes for acting so retarded this season, go for it.  Your cries will be heard and passed along.  Don’t bother writing about it or talking to loved ones you can see face to face.  Just have yourself a nice convo with invisible, thumb-sized television listener elves.  They’re out there, and they hate their jobs.  They’d like to be working for Santa, but you really have to know someone who already works there.

By geoffrey | Posted in Television | Tagged , , , , | Comments (1)
Nov
20
2008

Dharma Initiative ‘Bankruptcy’ Is Questionable and Ludicrous

This summer, I attended San Diego Comic Con, and was given the opportunity to test for a volunteer position at the Dharma Initiative.  If you’re familiar with the television show LOST, then you know the story of this ingenious technology company — their successful experiments in time travel make them perhaps the most important corporation ever.  Anyway, I passed the test (!), and over the following months a select few were continuously tested online, to determine our placement within Dharma.  Then I got an email this week saying they had placed me in their organization, but as for the company itself:

“Unconfirmed reports suggest that much of the money designated for the work of the new Dharma Initiative was tied up in highly leveraged mortgage derivatives. This, however, cannot be confirmed because, I am sorry to report, the principals representing the benefactors - my employers - have gone missing. Based on bills still coming into our office we believe they are somewhere in South America.

This stunning reversal of fortune has forced us to abandon our ambitious plans. In fact, absent this funding, the Dharma Initiative was forced to make the only sensible decision we had available: we sold the Dharma Initiative to the television show LOST.”

Uh… that is highly suspect and absolutely outrageous.

First of all, if you know where the heads of the Dharma Initiative are, go out and arrest them!  They need to be brought to justice.  I’m sure shareholders want to see them in handcuffs (for investing their money in toxic mortgages for some weirdly convenient reason) and not on the cover of Jornal do Brasil, cheering at a soccer game!  But of course, former Head of Recruiting Hans Van Eeghen won’t be helping the company anymore, because “a broken marriage, heavy casino debt and some unfounded police charges” have forced him to move to Dubai.  Unbelievable.  It’s like something out of the alternate reality game promotion for a television show!

However, the thing that really gets to me is that they sold their company to… LOST?  The television show LOST?  How… what?  Is that even possible?  I could understand Disney/ABC buying another company, but how does a television show buy a failed technology company?  It’s insanity.  If the government is bailing out anyone, shouldn’t they lend a hand to the company who successfully experimented with time travel?  I think that technology might be just a little important.

You might be wondering why I’m so personally outraged.  Well… damn it, I wanted to go to the island!  I wanted to see my pals Hurley, Jack, Kate, Sawyer and yes, even Ben (I bet he wouldn’t double cross me, cause we’d be good friends).  I wanted to be a radio operator.  I’ve got the certificate and everything.  Imagine me: a radio operator on a crazy, secret island.  I spent months answering trivia questions and solving tangram puzzles — clearly, I’m ready to operate Dharma’s radios.  But thanks to mismanagement and incompetence, I won’t be able to see my four-month dream come true.

However, I’m not giving up.  I am going to examine upcoming episodes of LOST for important clues, to figure out what really happened to Dharma.  You don’t think they actually went bankrupt, do you?  No, the more I think about it, the more I realize that billionaire Charles Widmore must have been behind this.  I’m going to interrogate the “fans” on the LOST message boards, and see if I can unlock the mystery.  One way or another, I’m going to that island.  Those assholes have a certificate to honor.

By geoffrey | Posted in Television | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (2)
Nov
19
2008

Engineers: Create The Mega Man Arm Cannon For Real

From the moon landing to the internet, the last decade brought us great advances in technology.  So lets kick the next 100 years off right, by creating something truly useful: a real Mega Buster I can wear on my arm.  It should shoot plasma projectiles, but also have different settings based on the abilities of the Robot Masers from Mega Man 1-3.  Think of all the good this weapon will do for society and for my need to feel better about myself.

Lets say a thug tries to carjack me.  Currently, my only recourse is to cry and try to look so pathetic that he turns away from me in disgust — and then I book it!  However, if I had Mega Man’s awesome arm cannon, I could say something like, “get ready for my plasma power,” or “you’re a real snake, huh,” at which point I’d blast him with a bunch of metal Search Snakes, courtesy of Snake Man.  I’d keep my car and my dignity, and the only real victims are the bystanders the Search Snakes kill after eating the carjacker.

Also, I could do crazy tricks at parties.  We can make things wet and wild with my Bubble Lead.  Forgot to bring a match for a roaring fire?  Don’t worry, Atomic Fire will light up the fire place, and the wall the fire place is built into.  Now the party’s getting hot!  But what if the party’s still boring?  I’ll just blow everyone up with Crash Bombs.  Then I’ll start launching Magnet Missiles, because a party isn’t a party without Magnet Missiles.  Then I’ll do Top Man’s weapon.

“Okay,” some of you are thinking.  “I know how you’ll benefit, but what about society as a whole?”  Great question.  Society at large will benefit from me feeling truly fulfilled as a person for the first time in my life.  This is called the “paying it forward” theory of happiness.  If engineers make me happy by giving me a working Mega Man arm cannon, then I’ll do something nice for another person, and suddenly we’ll be in a utopia.  All that needs to happen is for someone to do me one little solid and make me as powerful as Mega Man.

Everyone benefits when I’m given a crazy weapon straight out of a video game.  Therefore, let’s not waste any time with smaller microchips, space stations or however else engineers currently dick around.  The world needs me to have a Mega Blaster, because I’d be totally awesome with one.  Think about it.  Or better yet, don’t think about it - just make the darn cannon and give it to me.

Also, turn my cat into Rush.

By geoffrey | Posted in Video Games | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (3)
Nov
18
2008

Let’s Make Flying Home Even More Expensive

Flying home has become passe.  I don’t know how it happened, or why it happened, but no one has the desire to fly home and see their families for the holidays this year.  It’s crazy!  Like Furbys or Hypercolor shirts, the new fad is to just be lonely and by yourself this holiday season.  So if you are flying home this year, do the poor airline CEOs a favor by allowing yourself to get raped with ridiculous ticket fares.

I hear the CEOs of Delta and JetBlue can’t afford to get their kids presents this year.  When Johnny and Jenny Millionaire look under the tree, all they’re gonna get are some trail mix packets, a pair of complementary headphones, and maybe a Playstation 3 or a couple of ponies.  That’s it.  How depressing.  These children deserve so much more of their parents’ money in present form, but we’re too stingy to pay $800 for a domestic flight with three stop-overs.  For shame, us!

It’s not just here too.  My friend in England says the Virgin Airline CEO eats at restaurants with commoners (i.e. other people) in them, as opposed to the hovering cloud restaurant which he built himself.  Likewise, the guys in charge of Korean Air have allowed their feet to touch the ground.  No more money for new rocket shoes this year, thanks to stingy travelers who wanna be cool.  Don’t even ask about the CEO of Qantas Airways.  Okay, ask.  He recently had sex with a woman, and not a big pile of money in the shape of a woman.  How far they’ve fallen.

If you’re thinking this trend of people not flying home this year has anything to do with the exorbitant price of flights this year, despite the drop in fuel costs, then you need to take a trip to hipster town.  These “cool kids” (and most “normal people” as well) hate going home for Christmas, as evidenced in the upcoming documentary Four Christmases.  All they think of is themselves.  I can’t afford these prices.  I wish I could go home, but I can’t.  I think these prices are outrageous.  I, I, I. Will NOBODY think of the billionaires?  Have a little bit of heart, Scrooges.

This year, let’s search deep into our hearts and wallets.  Let’s give a little bit of Christmas to the now not-quite-so-fat cats who are suffering to be super-rich this holiday season.  Fly home for crazy money.  If you don’t fly home, donate whatever you can to the airline companies.  Not canned goods or toys, though.  Just money.  Lots and lots of money.  They need it!

By geoffrey | Posted in Business | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments (4)
Nov
17
2008

Digitally Insert Shatner As Kirk In The New Star Trek

A new Star Trek movie!!!!!!  Wow, it’s been 7 years since we traveled to “the final frontier” in the local multiplex.  Fellow Trekkies, I’m excited to see how the genius behind Lost revamps the series.  However, after going to see Quantum of Solice this weekend, I was shocked and disappointed with the performances of Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto as Kirk and Spock in the new trailer.  Not to worry, fellow Treksters, because digital technology can replace them with William Shatner and Leonard Nemoy, even at this late hour.  No need to fret.

The two minute trailer for Star Trek was a big wake up call about J.J. Abrams.  Great with effects, not so much with casting.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the casting in Lost, Cloverfield and all his other projects, but clearly he screwed up big time by casting two guys who have never acted before in the most important roles in cinema history.  These two jokers are gonna ruin my next great journey on the Enterprise, if action isn’t taken soon.  However, with that genius effects brain of his, Abrams could still pull us Trekheads out of this quagmire!!

Utilizing the same technology from YouTube mashup films like Pulp Muppets and Saw School Musical, Abrams can capture the always-winning performances of acting legends Shatner and Nemoy via green screen, then digitally replace the heads of Pine and Quinto with their more talented forbearers (see my image mock-up in this post).  A few audio sessions later, Trekographs, and we’re back in business.  Oh, and since the movie is supposed to be about young Spock and Kirk, we can use Final Cut filters to up the brightness of the image, making their faces to look younger.  Amazing what computers can do, right Trek-Treks?

SHUT UP!!!!  I know what you’re going to say.  That I should just wait for the movie to come out before I judge their performances.  But they’re not Shatner and Nemoy, so it has to be terrible.  It just has to.  I love them so much, and for them to be betrayed this way… it makes me want to curl up on into my Enterprise-shaped bed and chew on a cyanide capsule.  I don’t want to live in a world where William Shatner isn’t Kirk.  SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NO!!!!  NO CHANGE!!!!!!!  I HATE CHANGE!!!!

*Breathing*

*Trying to think like calm, rational Spock*

Look, fellow Trekomoporops, this is a bad time in my life.  My boss at Sbarro corporate says I can’t wear my Trek uniform — or Vulcan ears — to work anymore.  J.J. Abrams, I need you to feel the pain I’m going through right now.  Please digitally remove the leads from your film, and replace them with the tried-and-true actors we’ve come to worship as living gods.  I know I can count on you, because if you don’t do it, I will find a way to destroy you. I will become your Smoke Monster, and you don’t want to find out what I mean by that.

By geoffrey | Posted in Movies | Tagged , , , | Comments (4)